4 years ago today...

I know I haven't kept up with the blog during my pregnancy.  I wanted to, but thinking about what happened while I was pregnant caused me serious pain and anxiety.  So, we go from here.  This is the birth story of Julianna, my HELLP Syndrome baby.  

My baby girl was born 6 weeks early.  She was tiny 4 lbs 8.9 oz, but healthy and perfect with 10 fingers and 10 toes.  She was strong and determined, picking her head up from the very beginning.  It was me that had the issue. 

I always been nervous about having a baby in a hospital, big needles scare me.  So when we were taking a Bradley birth class and learned about the possibility of having a baby in a birth center we thought that would be an awesome option for us.  I had been seeing the midwives at the local hospital, but since there are quite a few of them on call, a patient never knows who will be there when the special time arrives.

I wanted to know who would help me deliver my baby, and know that they cared about how I wanted things to go.  So I made the appointment to switch to a midwife and her birth center, out of the hospital.  I was about 33 weeks and for the first time felt a peace about my baby's birth.

At the end of the 33rd week I started hurting on a Sunday night.  I had lifted some groceries that I probably shouldn't have, so thought I just strained my back and maybe hurt some ribs.  My upper right side hurt so bad.  I utilized the relaxation techniques we were learning in our birth class and Jon rubbed my back almost all night to get me to relax enough to sleep and get through the pain. In retrospect I should have known that that much pain was not normal!!

The pain went away in the early morning.  I don't remember if it came back Monday night.  Tuesday we had our first appointment with the new midwife.  She checked my blood pressure (BP) and it was high.  She had us lay down on the bed and relax for awhile and it never came down.  She wanted us to come to her Seattle office the next day for another check.

I believe the pain came back that night, and went away in the morning.  Wednesday, we went to Seattle.  BP was still high.  I had an appt. scheduled with my old midwife that the new midwife told me to go to and have her check me out.  So I went to that appt, on Thursday told her about the high BPs and the pain.  She said that if the pain went away it was probably nothing, but ran a blood panel and had me collect urine for 24 hours.  We dropped that off on Friday and ran a few errands, including picking up a pizza for dinner, that we never got to eat.

The on call midwife from the hospital called me shortly after we got home and informed me that I needed to come in immediately.  I was pre-eclamptic and they needed to admit me.  I started crying, and didn't stop for quite awhile.  I had always had a bad feeling about the pregnancy, and had been concerned something was going to go wrong. 

So we went in and got admitted.  Called my mom and told her to come, that something was wrong with me.  They ran more blood tests and transferred my care to the on call doctor.  The tests showed my kidney and liver function was rapidly declining, and my platelet level was dropping.  They wanted to rush me into a c-section, but we asked if we could try pitocin and breaking the waters first.  The doctor agreed reluctantly. 

We started pitocin at 9pm, but I didn't feel the contractions at all until they broke the waters at about midnight.  I refused the epidural and all meds, much to their dismay.  The doctor really wanted me to have the epidural in case they needed to do the c-section.  If my platelets dropped too low and they needed to do the c-section I wouldn't have been able to be awake for the surgery without the epidural.  But it was a risk we wanted to take, we didn't want the baby to be exposed to the drugs, especially since I knew I could handle the pain. 

I labored through the night.  Trying my best to relax through the contractions, ignore the bp cuff checking my bp every 15 minutes, and the blood draws every few hours.  I remember singing worship music in my head, although, I don't remember which songs.  Jon was tired, and slept standing next to me most of the night.  I was not impressed (still not) that he slept while I was going though all of this!! 

I had dilated to about a 5 or so at 7am when shift change came around. The dr. didn't think anything would be happening so he said goodbye.  The contractions had gotten very intense and around 7:45 I began telling our nurse that I didn't think I could make it, and asking her about a c-section...as I'm saying the words c-section something changed and I told her so.  I remember it now, I said "something feels different, like I need to poo!"  She checked, and said, "We are having a baby now!"  The new dr on shift was already in surgery, so they had to call the old dr back!!  I told them I needed to push, they of course said "NO DON'T!" Hahaha!  Yea right!!  The doctor made it back by about 8, and at 8:05 Julianna Faith was born after just a few pushes.  I asked my hubby if we could name her that, as faith was the only thing that got me through the labor. 

I held my baby briefly, then they whisked her away to the NICU.  My hubby went with her, and after all the fuss with me after baby was born was done, I was basically alone.  That pretty much sucked.  My mom was driving out, and got there in the afternoon.

I wasn't allowed out of bed because of the magnesium sulfate I was on, and my body still hadn't started working correctly, in fact my platelet levels continued to drop.  Platelets are normally in the 100,000s if I remember right. 

The day after Julianna was born, mine bottomed out at 29,000.  They start a patient on blood transfusions at 20,000!  At 29,000 my nose began to bleed, and bled profusely for around 30 minutes or longer.  It was SO scary. 

They had started me on corticosteroids, and finally my kidneys and liver started working again.  That evening the catheter was removed, and I was taken off the mag, and I got to go down to the NICU to visit my baby girl for the first time. 

I was discharged from the hospital 3 days after giving birth.  My tiny girl stayed in the NICU for 10 days.  I pumped breastmilk for her until she could breastfeed fully.  We finally achieved exclusive breastfeeding about 2 months after she was born!  Such a big accomplishment.  Breastfeeding my baby helped me heal, and not feel like my body had completely failed me. 

She nursed for 3 years, our breastfeeding relationship helped me bond with my baby that I hadn't had the opportunity to bond with after birth.   I am so thankful for La Leche League and its wonderful leaders, and one very awesome IBCLC that encouraged me to not give up and just wait for her to grow big enough to breastfeed. 

preggo-brain!

I remember when I was pregnant the last time I was ditzy... this time I feel as though I would lose my head if it wasn't attached!  I've forgotten to do numerous things that are my responsibility and that is so not me or my personality.  I try very hard to be on top of things and not be the kind of person that forgets things.  Feeling very frustrated with myself over this!!!  I apologize if I've affected you with my scatterbrained-ness. 

Its been an interesting/good/hard week.  Starting with the good, Baby is supposedly a girl.  Not sure I believe it, but I'm happy either way!  I figure, if a baby boy comes out instead of a girl I get to go shopping!  (nothing wrong with that!!)  :-D

Baby has been moving around and kicking so much, its so amazing to feel that life inside me.  I can't describe how every time I feel her it makes me happy and reminds me of the precious bundle I have the privilege to care for!

My wonderful midwife has been researching and talking to doctors about what happened with the last pregnancy so we can come up with a plan to watch my body and if it happens again catch it earlier than the last time.  Part of this plan was establishing a baseline 24hr urine sample.  I had thought about doing this at some point, so was not surprised to see her walk in with the lovely orange pee jug and was slightly disappointed there was no "hat" (the thing you pee in then pour contents into the jug). 

It did throw me into a bit of a tailspin to see it, and remember how things went down the last time I completed that test.  The fear, the "what ifs" and memories hit me.  I started to cry.  I received numerous hugs and reassurances from my midwife and her assistants and my hubs and precious daughter.  This is why I chose midwifery care, because they truly CARE!!

Anyway, completed the test.  The worst part was not wanting to go downstairs in the middle of the night to pee into a jug.  (It has to be refrigerated and that is downstairs.)  Needless to say, I went to bed late and got up early and had to pee SO bad!!!  Lol, in retrospect if there is a next time maybe I'll sleep on the couch!


Well, its been a very long day, and I'm leading tomorrow's LLL meeting.  Praying it goes well and that I can keep the conversation flowing smoothly.  Good night all!

Thoughts about thoughts

So its been awhile since I started this blog.  My initial idea was to recount my experience with HELLP Syndrome, and how my daughter's birth happened exactly.  Since finding out I am pregnant with Baby #2 memories, feelings, and hopes came rushing back fresher than ever.  As with most moms whose birth of their loved ones did not go as expected or "planned" those thoughts are not always easy or painless.  This revelation caught me more off guard than I expected it to. 

Staying in a positive frame of mind is so important to me, and I hadn't really struggled with it until I came down with the flu at about 14 weeks.  I had horrible stomach cramps, vomiting, and body pains.  Then I just couldn't shake it,  I would think I was over it go 24 hours without losing my lunch and then my stomach would turn over and I would vomit again. 

Anyone who has gone through HELLP knows that vomiting and massive pain are symptoms.  While my head knew I had the flu, part of me was like, "Oh no, what if my nightmare is starting?!"  I started taking papaya enzymes when I felt nauseous, drank some electrolytes, and got my body back in line.

Then the next week I came down with a killer migraine.  Went to the chiropractor who worked on my neck and base of my skull.  It was all locked up, and after he released that tension I felt like a new woman again!

However, splitting headaches are another symptom of HELLP.  This headache as well as an MD (later that week for an unrelated issue) tell me that hearing a preggo woman say she's had HELLP is like a bypass patient saying they have chest pain, became the trigger that pushed me over the edge into anxiety. 

Now, I'm not going to to go into the thoughts that wreaked havoc on my mind, because that serves no purpose, I'm sure you can all imagine the fearful thoughts that came to me in the middle of the night and would not allow me any peace.  

I know I must take captive every thought, and set my mind on things that are true, pure, and lovely.  I need to meditate on HIS WORD and HIS promises!  I know my God is walking with me, during this pregnancy and always.

When I feel the bad thoughts coming about anything, pregnancy, people, ANYTHING that will try to take me to the dark place, I turn on my praise music and talk to Jesus.  I sing along, and focus on Him and the blessings in my life, like my healthy girl!  I focus on the precious baby I am carrying, and the blessing that we were able to conceive.  And I pray.  I pray, "Lord, please take away my anxiety" 

Introduction

Just a quick intro tonight, since my girl is having a tough time going to bed, and giving the hubby the run around!
I'm a mom of one and a half kids.  Thats right, I'm preggo!  About 8 weeks!  The main reason for this blog is to write out my thoughts on my last pregnancy in order to help me process them, and enjoy this pregnancy.  I'll explain more later.  I also want to encourage other moms who have dealt with the same thing.  I also will talk about breastfeeding, and being a wife and a mother since that is what most of my life consists of.  :) Its a good time!
I'm off to bed now.  Goodnight.