Thoughts about thoughts

So its been awhile since I started this blog.  My initial idea was to recount my experience with HELLP Syndrome, and how my daughter's birth happened exactly.  Since finding out I am pregnant with Baby #2 memories, feelings, and hopes came rushing back fresher than ever.  As with most moms whose birth of their loved ones did not go as expected or "planned" those thoughts are not always easy or painless.  This revelation caught me more off guard than I expected it to. 

Staying in a positive frame of mind is so important to me, and I hadn't really struggled with it until I came down with the flu at about 14 weeks.  I had horrible stomach cramps, vomiting, and body pains.  Then I just couldn't shake it,  I would think I was over it go 24 hours without losing my lunch and then my stomach would turn over and I would vomit again. 

Anyone who has gone through HELLP knows that vomiting and massive pain are symptoms.  While my head knew I had the flu, part of me was like, "Oh no, what if my nightmare is starting?!"  I started taking papaya enzymes when I felt nauseous, drank some electrolytes, and got my body back in line.

Then the next week I came down with a killer migraine.  Went to the chiropractor who worked on my neck and base of my skull.  It was all locked up, and after he released that tension I felt like a new woman again!

However, splitting headaches are another symptom of HELLP.  This headache as well as an MD (later that week for an unrelated issue) tell me that hearing a preggo woman say she's had HELLP is like a bypass patient saying they have chest pain, became the trigger that pushed me over the edge into anxiety. 

Now, I'm not going to to go into the thoughts that wreaked havoc on my mind, because that serves no purpose, I'm sure you can all imagine the fearful thoughts that came to me in the middle of the night and would not allow me any peace.  

I know I must take captive every thought, and set my mind on things that are true, pure, and lovely.  I need to meditate on HIS WORD and HIS promises!  I know my God is walking with me, during this pregnancy and always.

When I feel the bad thoughts coming about anything, pregnancy, people, ANYTHING that will try to take me to the dark place, I turn on my praise music and talk to Jesus.  I sing along, and focus on Him and the blessings in my life, like my healthy girl!  I focus on the precious baby I am carrying, and the blessing that we were able to conceive.  And I pray.  I pray, "Lord, please take away my anxiety"